'Where do I stand with myself?' Life is hard until you figure that out. Loving yourself is the GOAL. That means you have made peace with yourself. You have accepted your short-comings and quietly applauded your strengths. That is a life-long cathartic process, the ride of the ages.
Currently, I cannot claim to have gone through this catharsis. I am still struggling to dig out all the facets to me, let alone accept or reject them. It is not a pleasant space to be in, if you are someone who likes the comforts of familiarity and pattern. I am constantly surprised by myself, never knowing how I will respond to things. My reaction to my reactions is varied. Sometimes I wonder at their authenticity, other times, I make myself quite proud. I like being sorted, even if the sieve I have used to separate my good and spoilt parts are sometimes questioned by others. I find that rather satisfying. I want to wonder at me, be a little careful and apprehensive around me. It is better than being taken for granted, at any rate.
No one is harder on me than, well, me. I am my harshest friend. I say that because, despite all my short-comings, I'm always around, you know, in case I need someone. That sounded crazy, didn't it? But I believe it. We are all our own best friends. Life got a lot simpler for when when I began to run with that.
But I think I need to stop being so critical of myself. It is almost like I expect me to fail at things, to not make it. I have , in many ways, given up on myself. I need to allow myself to fail, to acknowledge people looking at me with disappointment without having it crush me. Rising above others' opinion of you is hard, but rising above your own guilt and embarrassment is life.
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